Rainbows

December 13th, 2011, my husband headed out for his final trip to sea for the next 3 years and 3 months, as a long awaited shore duty is finally upon us.

I am blessed to live where I live, here in Ewa Beach, Hawaii. I am able to see my husband's submarine come and go from Pearl Harbor and watch it sail far off into the horizon. I do count my blessings, and this is one that I really am truly grateful to be able to do. It's bitter sweet, though, as it gives me great peace to watch him sail off, but at the same time, it feels like the ending to a very sad movie as the credits roll across a black screen and you are left saying, "That was a terrible ending!"

Anytime he has to go underway, it is a difficult time for me. It doesn't matter if it's only a few days or a few months. It's all the same to me. Living without him is my most difficult struggle in this life. We work very hard to make sure that each of us have good memories and good feelings in our hearts every time he has to go away. Unfortunately, not everyone cares about us as much as we do about each other. Others place heavy burdens on our hearts without care or consideration to the difficulties my husband and I already face on a daily basis.

I had a very negative incident happen to me the day he left. I will not go into details, as it affects the life of another for which I do not wish to air their private struggles. Let's just say the words that hit me stung my heart, my soul, and angered me into a possible unforgiving state. It left me in a panic of not knowing what to do. It brought back a flood of unpleasant memories. It was a very heavy burden to carry on my shoulders for something that was quite minor in the grand scheme of things. I was alone in dealing with this, as my husband had just left out to sea, and I could not solicit the help of this person's family, not by lack of my attempt.

On this day, not only was there a storm in my heart, but there was a storm brewing on the harbor to bid my husband farewell on his final journey. Sadness was all around me that evening ... until something very peaceful happened.

Fifteen minutes before Chris was set to sail through the harbor and out to sea, the storm began to lift. The rain turned to a light mist, and the sun began to shine through the clouds. As the dark clouds started to fade, a rainbow began its birth: First, ever so lightly against the grey sky, then shining brighter and brighter as the storm lifted and allowed the beauty of the sun to shine through. As the light brightened the harbor and my soul, the rainbow slowly faded away. Only minutes later, the USS Cheyenne passed through where a beautiful rainbow and symbol of peace had just been.

I felt an overwhelming sense of peace after that, and I decided that I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control who and what comes into my life. Things and people that zap my emotional energy that I so desperately need to get through these difficult times, do not deserve to be in my life. I have decided that if people want to be a part of my life, then they will be required to keep their negative thoughts to themselves. If they can't do that, or don't want to do that, it's OK. I am at peace with letting them go.

There is a promise in every rainbow ... the promise of peace. I am thankful for the peace this rainbow has given to me.

 You may be able to barely make out the beginning formation of the rainbow as the storm began to lift. 

 

Here, the rainbow is clearly starting to take shape through the sun-shower. 

 

There is just a light mist of rain, but you are able to see where the rainbow actually comes to an end. 

Note this when you see the pictures of the submarine leaving the harbor.

Beautiful, peaceful, promising ...

 Here is a very clear shot of the rainbow's end.

 It's starting to fade, now, as the mist has stopped, and the sun has taken its rightful place in the sky.

The rainbow is now gone, but look what is about to pass through where the rainbow had ended. 

It's the USS Cheyenne!

 The USS Cheyenne passing through where the rainbow had ended. 

My husband made it back safe and sound, and as I had mentioned, that is the last time I will have to say, "Good-bye" sending him out to sea for quite some time, now. I am so thankful, and he has made it very clear that he is ready to stay home, too.

NAM #4!!

In the interim of blogs, I am happy to announce that my wonderful husband was presented with, yet another, Navy Achievement Medal, now his 4th, AND he is now promoted to E6! I am so proud!

I Haven't Forgotten

Hello, Blog,

I seem to have forgotten about you. I shall try to come and visit on a daily basis.

Love,

Super Woman

Now that we got that out of the way ... life has been somewhat crazy since Chris' return from deployment. We had stand down time, from the boat, that is. We didn't have stand down time around the house. There was a lot of work to get done, for which we felt very good about accomplishing, however, it left us exhausted, still.

We didn't take time out to go go home for a visit, as we planned on doing that during Chris' leave in between sea duty and shore duty rotation. Guess what? That leave was taken away from us, and now, we do not go home for the holidays. He is scheduled to check off the boat on January 5th, and check into shore duty on January 8th. Thank you, Navy, for showing how much you appreciate my husband's sacrifices for the last 6 years.

This life is a series of emotional let downs, but forging ahead is the only option I plan on taking. Sure, I have my good days and bad days, but so does everyone else.

I Am Thankful for My Husband

 

 

I am thankful for having a man who loves me no matter what. He is content with lying under the stars with me and listening to my heartbeat. He will get up before I do and make me breakfast. My man will help me clean, give me a back-rub after a stressful day, and paint my toes any color I want. He brings me flowers, just because. He tells me I am beautiful with or without my makeup on. He loves my figure, even if I don't. He comforts me when I am sad or afraid. He is a great father figure and role model, and devotes his free time to his family. He is faithful, honest, and trustworthy. My man stands behind me one-hundred percent, even if I am wrong. He never raises his voice, or his hands, to me. He holds doors open, and goes out of his way to make sure I am happy. My husband is a United States Navy Submariner, and is gone from home a whole lot, but when he is here, and even from far away, he makes me feel like I am the only woman that could ever be his whole world. I have been called crazy, stupid and desperate for marrying an active duty serviceman. I say I am blessed, thankful, and appreciative to have married MY Navy Submariner. No matter what happens in this life, Baby, you will always be perfect to me.

Life After

Good morning, blog. It's been a couple of weeks. Life has kept me very busy, still. Though I have cut my hours back at work, there is still a lot of work to be done at home. Homeschool was put on hold while we got back into the swing of things having Chris home from deployment, so currently playing catch up with that, along with all of the things necessary to return to a normal life again for a while.

Speaking of, both Chris and myself thought we may need an adjustment period to get used to being a couple, again. Didn't happen. We took off right where we left off, and it's as if he never left in the first place. Of course that is great news!

His voice is in the house again. His scent after a shower. You know, the "man" scent ... Old Spice and delightful smells of after shave and cologne. I have an arm around me at night, or a shoulder to lay on. He is reaching behind him looking for my hand if he gets too far ahead of me. We are making dinner as a family, and one-by-one, checking off things to do on our list of fun. We have hit he movies, enjoyed popcorn, went shopping for Halloween items, filled up the pantry, and made some drinks.

He leaves again, shortly, but only for a couple of weeks. It's hard, this life. No sooner do I get used to having him here, he is gone again. True love ... there is no sacrifice too difficult.

Never Again

Seven months of being alone: Seven months of having little to no communication with my favorite person in the whole world: Seven months of trials, hardships, sadness, bitterness, anger, frustration, stress, with very little happiness ... are over.

If I had this to do over again, I would definitely have done some things differently. First, I would not have taken a job that requires me to work 110 hours a week, yet only pays me for 40. I am required to drive all over this island at all hours of the night. I am required to go into meetings during my 6 hours of personal time as well. They have little to no consideration for the fact that I need that 6 hours between my shifts to home school my son. When do I sleep? I don't. I average 2 to 3 hours a night for sleep. When do I get things done around the house? On my day off from this job. Is all of this conducive to handling the regular stresses that come with a deployment? HELL NO!

If I had it to do over again, I would have taken a part time job, or a job with a nursing agency that allows me to have a flexible schedule, work when I am up to it, and not require/demand so much from me.

I would have found different support groups. The FRG for this command leaves little to be desired, and the leaders seem to love screaming and yelling at people. Getting yelled at for calling the wrong person (like I know who the hell I am supposed to call) to make a COURTESY call that I would not be attending a planned event due to some serious personal issues, REALLY detours a person from ever wanting to attend any other planned outings in the event one might have to cancel. Seriously. Meetings that were supposed to be held for support while our husbands are on gone, turned into meetings of lecture and being yelled at by the captain's wife. Issues would come up in relation to port dates being leaked (dates when our guys would be pulling into a port somewhere), which is very, very dangerous. However, screaming at a group of women who are there for support is counterproductive. OPSEC is a very serious thing. Teaching people about it is important. I don't know about you, but when someone screams at me, I am not hearing a damn thing they say. The offender/s should have been pulled aside and dealt with, and the issue should have been brought to light in a reasonable manor to the rest of us who WERE doing the right thing. Gossip and clicks are not my thing, and once I found that I was being pulled in that direction, I opted to not be a part of it. Upon calling out the persons responsible for doing the exact opposite of a what an FRG is meant to be, supportive to EVERYONE during this deployment, I became shunned. Point being, I would have looked into more support groups, because I was basically completely alone during this entire deployment as a result of me choosing not to be a part of the FRG, put into situations that made me feel worse than I already did, and having no idea where to turn after that.

Luckily, I had a little love from a few of the wives from this command, however, my work schedule didn't allow me the time to be able to spend with other women who were going through the same things I was. Just want to say thanks to Liz, Dorathy, Rose, Holly, and Becky. You have all touched my life, and my heart, in many ways. Thank you.

I also would have traveled home to see my family and friends. I would have taken a seasonal job, or worked with agency back home, for something to do while they worked.

I would have also flown into every port to spend time with my husband. It gets hectic with all of the traveling plans that need to be made, fall through, rescheduled, updated, etc., but seeing him come off that boat in Guam, bags in hand, coming to stay with me at a hotel we had made reservations for ... was completely worth it.

There is a lot I would have done differently, but suffice it to say, I am fine never, ever doing this again. This statement now brings us full circle to the whole reason I began this blog which started with the phrase, "Never say never ..."

Thankful

Even as the weeks of this deployment draw closer to the end, I am still finding myself being thankful every day for my Daddy raising me to be a proud, independent and extremely strong woman. If I were any weaker of a woman, I know for a fact I would not have been able to make it through this. I should have bought stock in Kleenex.

The other contributing factor is the love, support and understanding of my husband. He has definitely had to nurture us through a few situations, but he did an amazing job. I can hardly wait to have him back in my arms.

Last, but not least ... you ... my friends. There isn't a day go by where I have forgotten those of you who lent an ear, a shoulder, a virtual hug, and took time out of your day to let me share with you the bad days along with the good during this journey.  I appreciate you, and I am glad I could be there for you in return.

The final stretch is here, and I am still holding on.

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
When I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
i can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

Almost There

It's almost over. For some reason, that is supposed to give some sort of lift in spirits, but I feel so numb, I honestly can't feel anything other than complete exhaustion.

It seems easier to give up on life than to keep fighting it, but thank God for my strength and determination to rise and conquer. I question so much about so many things, but the answers never come, nor will they ever.

Time has stolen so much from me; so much that I can never get back. I am bitter, and angry, and feel robbed. I feel like my happiness has been ripped away from me. The only comfort I have is knowing that it is temporary. However, there is always darkness looming over me knowing that he will leave again ... and again ... and again.

True love is powerful. If he gave me the choice, a choice to stay in this life or get out of it, I would say get out. I hate it. Who could possibly LOVE this?? However, if he gave me the choice to get out or stay and love him, I would stay and love him.

For my love, my life, my breath, my heartbeat, my everything ...


The bed is not made, and I don't care. 

It's not the same without you there.
Dishes need done
But that's no fun
Neither is not having you here.

I sigh a  lot as I miss your touch
I wonder if you know I love you this much
Mouth is dry
Tears I cry
The life of a wife of a sailor is such.

My heart beats fast when I think of you
Proud of how easy it is to stay true
Please, kiss my lips
Hold my hips
Hating these feelings that keep me blue

My devotion is strong for you my love
My angel, my light, my gift from above
Hold on tight
Don't lose sight
Of all the things we have ever dreamed of.

Here waiting for you ...

 September 11th, 2001 ... terrorists took the lives of thousands. R.I.P. our heroes. While remembering our heroes, today, remember something else. The terrorists took the lives of many, but they didn't take our resolve, our will to fight, or our resilience. We fight until we win. We sacrifice our husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons ... our families, because our freedom is worth fighting for. Americans will never forget. Neither should those who think they can take away our freedom.

I Didn't Ask For Your Advice

So, Shaun and I are cleaning out the flower/plant beds in front of the house, and the neighbor from across the yard comes out and just starts yacking up a storm with us. She asked if I was a single parent, because she never sees any men coming or going from my house. I suppose that's a good report to give my husband!

I told her that I am married, and my husband is currently on deployment. She then gives me this sad face and proceeded to tell me all about her divorce she recently had with her military husband of 25 years. After he retired, he left her for another woman. She said the sooner I get out of this life the better.

You know? I am sick of hearing about every body else. I am not going to leave the man I love over statistics, stories, or anything else. If we end up divorced, so be it, but I damn sure will not live my life with him NOW full of worries.

Keep your negative advice to yourself, people. Seriously. I own guns and have a very bad temper.

This is a song my husband sent me to listen to. Pretty much brought tears to my eyes. I really miss him. Not talking to him, hearing his voice, just knowing that is safe and OK is so very, very hard. I call your name, too, My Love. I miss you so much.

Lyrics - About Midnight

At about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name
I need you beside me
Through these seasons of change

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today

Seasons come and they go
Seasons come and they go like the night
Because you are with me
Things will turn out alright

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Yes I know that you're with me now

I don't understand this path I'm on
Like I'm looking down at the sun
All turned around again
All turned around again

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today

So at about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name

Spent

So, I am breaking down and having someone come and give me an estimate on cleaning. I honestly can't keep up with everything. 100 hours (sometimes more) a week at my job, 20 hours a week for school, 20 hours a week on all the stuff that needs done around the house, raising my son, dealing with the stress of never hearing from my husband, the worries of him being on deployment, being alone, and all of that just leaving me with 3 to 4 hours a day for sleep. As much as I WANT to be Super Wife/Mom/Friend/Employee/Teacher ... I have to know when I have reached my limit. It is right .... NOW.

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah
 

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

Our Newest Addition

I was never really a dog lover ... until my Toby came into my life. He was definitely a mutt that I bonded with. He always had my back, went on my super-long walks with me, snuggled with me when I was sad, and pretty much never left my side. Unfortunately, during my divorce, I had to find Toby a new home, as downsizing into an apartment was not going to be fair to him. Toby ended up in a very loving home, with children, and a huge area of land he could run around on, play to his heart's content, hunt, and just be a very happy dog. Giving him up broke my heart, but I knew it was better for him.

With that said, Chris, my current husband, always seems to be on a mission to make sure I am happy. It broke his heart to know I have sadness in mine over losing Toby. Chris has been talking about getting a dog for quite some time, but I have just never been ready. I felt bad, because I could tell he wanted a dog, too, but at the same time, he has always patiently waited for me to come around, hoping that I would.

Well, Chris and I had talked about what kind of dog we EVENTUALLY may want to bring into our family, whether or not we wanted to use an animal shelter or a private breeder, what would we do if we wanted to leave for a weekend, and all that jazz. Chris mentioned, first, that he would like to use a shelter, and of course, I fell in love with him even more when he said that. We both agreed that a dog from a shelter would probably be a little more work, but they are the ones most in need of a good and loving home.

Chris mentioned he likes Labs ... Chocolate Labs in particular. I told him that Labs are a lot of work as puppies, and even well into adult hood, but we both seemed to feel it would be worth it, as Labs are also the best companions from our experience.

Well, I have recently decided that it is time. Why? Chris's birthday passed while he was on deployment, August 21st, and I thought a dog would be a really meaningful gift considering how long it's taken me to come around. Though, I am not 100% ready to bond with another dog after Toby, I need to have time to train a new puppy into our home, and have him/her ready for Chris's arrival home.

I visited, with our son, Shaun, the Oahu SPCA animal shelter, and just figured I would go in and get a feel of the place and the people. It was right at closing time when we walked in, but the receptionist at the front desk still greeted us and let us in to see the dogs.

The dogs were all in kennels in the back. As soon as we walked into the kennel area, we were greeted by a large dog that was very timid/afraid and barking loudly as we walked past. I kept going. Around and around we went. I saw one that had potential, but he had a lot of bite marks on him and apparently really loved to fight. Well, we live in a community of dogs, and walking one around would mean they have to get along well with others. I kept walking around and around and around until there were almost no kennels left to visit.

I was thankful to be nearing the end of the journey, and even more thankful I hadn't found any pets to bring home that day. I just figured that it wasn't meant to be, yet, and I was OK with that. However ... just as I was nearing the last kennel, here was a very large chocolate and brindle color, what looked like, a Lab. He was the ONLY dog not barking. He was laying there, on the concrete, all quiet and sad. I stopped and looked at his name. "Shamrock." I thought, hmmm ... doesn't really look like that names fits him at all. He's probably sad, because someone gave him a crappy name! (Sorry, Oahu SPCA ... no offense! We still love you!) I turned to look at him, and then I said, "Well, you certainly are a handsome fella." He got up, slowly, and came to me, and licked my hand through the fence. He sat down and was very well behaved. My son came over, and instantly took a liking to Shamrock.

After a few minutes, as it was closing time, and I wanted to respect that, we walked up to the front and asked if we could come by the next day to meet Shamrock. No problem. The next day arrives, and first thing in the morning, we headed over to the shelter. We have a "meet and greet" with Shamrock, for which we found out his original name was Dozer by the tag around his neck. He was a HANDFUL. Hard to walk, pulling me everywhere. WOW. Powerful to say the least! He is close to 70 pounds and not quite a year old. I did figure he doesn't get out much, if at all, so he probably was just all kinds of excited, still having plenty of puppy left in him. He was, however, very gentle, loving, and super sweet. It didn't take us long to talk to the lady up front.

I decided it would be best to foster to adopt Dozer/Shamrock just to be sure this was going to be a good fit for not only our family, but for him, too. It took us two days of fostering to decide he was going to be a part of our family.

What happened in those two days? We found out he was super destructive and had to puppy proof our home immediately. We found that he was very protective of us, but not aggressive. He will stand at the door and not bark or attack, but he will not let anyone through without me saying it's OK. He is very intimidating in appearance, and he looks like he will eat you in one gulp if provoked. I think he knows this, and that he doesn't have to make a ruckus to let people know he means business.

We also found out he probably didn't have the best home prior to him finding his way to the shelter. At one time, I scolded him and told him, "NO!" as I caught him eating the blinds that hang in front of our sliding glass doors. He immediately stopped what he was doing and started to come to me. I went to pet him and tell him, "Good boy," for stopping the behavior and coming to be, but as I went to pet him, he thought I was going to hit him. He not only ducked out of the way, but he flew half way across the house. At that point, I knew that he needed some serious love, attention, and training, and that our family would be the perfect home for him.

After two days of working with him for countless hours, training him, letting him know he was loved and wouldn't be harmed in our home, giving him a new name, Jack, and falling completely in love, we went back to the shelter and finalized his adoption. He came home with us forever.

He took to his new name right away, and already comes when he is called. He will sit, give kisses, and fetch, though he thinks it is far more fun to have his humans chase him around to retrieve from him the object we just sent him to retrieve for us. He isn't that fond of water, but he is getting used to it. He loves treats, rawhide bones, and slippers. :/ He loves his long walks with me in the morning, however, he can't make the full trek. He will have to work into it. About 2 miles is enough for him, and he is ready to call it a day. He did great at his first vet visit, and we go back again in one month for his second set of shots. He loves the car, other dogs, and all the neighbors. Jack is amazing.

I have said this before, many times, actually, that I wish I would have listened to my husband and found room in my heart for a dog a lot sooner. I think deployment would have been a little easier having this sweetheart to look after me while I look after him. You were right, again, Chris. :)

I do hope that Chris falls in love with Jack just as much, if not more, than we have. My husband waited patiently for me to come around, and I waited patiently to find just the right addition to our family. Everything has a reason and a purpose. Timing, apparently, was everything.

Just Be Quiet and Listen

Stay positive.
Stay strong!
Don't cry.
Handle everything with a grain of salt.
Stay focused.
Only a little longer.
Hang in there.
Smile.

How much advice is too much? I know people mean well, but some days, I just don't WANT to do all these things. Why is it not OK to cry? Since when did humans decide that crying was a bad thing? God made tears for a reason ... so the angels can wipe them away.

Listen, just because a spouse cries while their husband is on deployment doesn't mean they are depressed, or something is wrong with them. This is NORMAL, folks. Why don't you just try to let your friend get it out of her system? How about just letting her use your shoulder as a towel? Seriously.

We don't HAVE to be strong every single day. It takes plenty of strength just to get through the day. Unless you walk this path, you have no idea how it feels. Instead of trying to offer advice about things you know nothing about, try just listening. Keep quiet, and just listen. Let us cry. It's HEALTHY for us.

Don't Mess With A Wife Whose Husband is on Deployment

An angry woman whose husband is on deployment is even more dangerous!

The title says it all. "Don't Mess With  A Wife Whose Husband is on Deployment." We may as well all be serial killers at some point during our day. Seriously. It's not a good idea to mess with our very fragile, and totally uncontrollable, emotions. One minute we can be laughing, the next, we can be looking for the sharpest knife in the drawer.

With that said, I was in the line at the grocery store, with ice-cream, in the 8 item or less lane. Yes, the lane where one lady had just checked out a cart full of items, and just happened to be enjoying a LOVELY conversation with the lady behind her, who apparently has the same bad habit of checking out an entire cart full of groceries in the 8 item or less lane as well. 

I will have to let you know how this story ends another time, because I currently have a game going on my Facebook called "WWJD - What Would Jen Do?" If I share the outcome now, it shall spoil the game ending. If, however, my friends on Facebook happen to read this blog first, they will have a small hint as to how the outcome of this story ends. 

Until we meet again! Jail or ... otherwise. :)

Break Your Heart

"Break Your Heart"

People downcast, is despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder every day

People struggle, people fight
For the simple pleasures in their lives
But trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow, self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless, people cruel
See the damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride
It's enough to make you loose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life
You never will let love survive

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life

Don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think that
Everybody's gonna choose your side

I have been pretty down, lately, and I have noticed when I am like this, that I just stop giving a damn about a whole lot of things. Little things annoy me, or even make me very angry. The world is a cesspool of idiots, and I am the only one who matters. Actions I take, and words I speak to others, only make things worse.

Well, this song kind of helps remind me not to lose my pride, not to be part of the discontent ... not to lose myself. "I know it will hurt, but don't make the same mistakes with your own life, or you will never let love survive."

Serenity, Courage and Wisdom

Serenity, courage, and wisdom ...

Change the things you can.

I have been struggling with a lot in my life, from deployment to an array of personal plights. Among those personal plights, and something I have blogged about previously, are negative people in my life. 

I recently battled with making a well thought out decision to rid the people in my life who were causing me sadness, stress, anxiety, or worry. A friend had said this to me which convinced me to move forward with my thoughts. 

"While those people are probably sleeping nice and snug in their beds, you are up all night struggling over them, their words, and their actions. Is it worth it?" 

She is right. The answer is, "No. No it's not." 

I can go into story about the people that have negatively affected me, from leaders of organizations that are in place to help women be supportive of each other through deployment, not tear them down, all the way to someone I had to finally let go of after a lifetime of hurt from him. There really is no point in going into detail over the reasons behind the cleansing of my soul. The only purpose it would serve is to give examples, but you know if you have negative people in your life. My examples aren't needed for you to figure that out.

I have realized that, if I am strong enough to survive deployment on my own, I am strong enough to kick the people out of my life who are making the challenges I face day to day more difficult. 

Suffice it to say this. I am not a child. I am definitely not your child. Do not speak to me like I am a child. Do not tell me how to live my life. Not only am I a woman who demands respect, I am military spouse, who deserves respect. Treat me with the dignity I deserve. My sacrifices run as deep as my husband's. If you can't do all of these things with love in your heart for myself and my family, you are welcome to leave my life forever. 

Since making my decision, and acting on it, I must say, I feel so much lighter, so much more relaxed. I am sad at losing resources I really could use during this time. I am also grieving for the loss of those that I never thought I would lose. I am still struggling with the pain of having to let go, but I no longer have to hear their sharp words, their condescending tone, and their unwanted advice. Even more so, I am no longer losing pieces of me because of them.

May you find the strength and courage to do the same.

My World Alone

I sit alone at our kitchen table and eat my dinner. Often times, it's a frozen meal or take out, because cooking for one is not only hard, but tears at my heart strings every time. I have flashbacks of us making dinner together, and then I wake up to the reality of being alone.

I open the medicine cabinet, and there are your things: your toothbrush, your razor, your personal items. They are just how you left them, so when you come home, there will be nothing you have to adjust to or try to find. I stare at them for a little while, knowing they are some of the last things you touched the day you left. Something so simple as a toothbrush has so much meaning to me.

I look at pictures of you, so I don't forget what you look like. I smile at the ones you smile back at me in. I am proud of the ones of you in your uniform. I sigh, and wish the photos would come to life, so you can hold me in your arms once again. 

I get into our car and look for your hand to hold, but instead, there is an empty seat where you should be sitting. I don't turn on the radio, because there is nobody there to playfully fight over which radio station we will listen to. I pump the gas, but I always envision you doing it, because that's one of the things you always took care of for me. 

I do the laundry, but nothing of yours has been in it for months. Sometimes, I put a pair of your socks in there, just so I can feel normal. 

I go to bed alone. This is one of the hardest things, because we held each other every single night until we fell asleep, or our ARMS did. I have one of your t-shirts I use as a pillow case on one of our pillows. At night, I snuggle with it pretending it is you. 

I spray your cologne on my teddy-bear and allow him to catch my tears as I cry for you every night. We both say a prayer to bring you home safe. He wears your dog-tags on his paw, the one that is embroidered with the words you chose when you gave him to me, "I love you Jenfire."

I go everywhere by myself, and I miss you reaching behind waiting for me to grab your hand so we can walk hand in hand, side by side. 

I often catch myself ordering two scoops of ice-cream, thinking that you and I will share, then remembering you aren't here. The other half always melts. 

There is nobody here to comfort me in my times of stress or feeling overwhelmed. I close my eyes and feel your arms around me, telling me everything is going to be OK. Sometimes it works. Most times, it just hurts more, because the reality is, you are so very far away. 

I don't hear your voice for months and months on end, and when I do, I am so overwhelmed, I can't even speak ... just cry. That gives you comfort and pain at the same time, because you love how much I love you, but you don't like to hear me cry.

It's too quiet, here, in this lonely world. The days don't move fast enough. Time stands almost still. 

I hear wives complaining about their husbands, and I want to tell them to be thankful their husbands aren't where my husband is. Sometimes, I do.

I am proud of you, all that you do, and all that you stand for. Come home soon, and come home safe. 

Your Always Loving Wife, 

Jenny

You're My Everything

The chorus of this song is at the very end, and it's the ringtone assigned to my husband's number on my phone. The first time he had called me after several months of not hearing his voice, I couldn't even talk to him, because just hearing that ringtone come across my phone was extremely emotional. I had apologized, and said that when the phone rang, and it was his ringtone, it made me feel like life was normal again, and he was just calling me to come pick him up from work. I continue to count my blessings, because at least I heard the ringtone, and his voice. I know he is safe.

How to Fake It

I have always had a hard time showing my emotions in front of people. Crying, not an option. Anything but a smile, not an option. I am not sure why or how I have come to believe this, other than, I was taught at a fairly young age that I better not show weakness, and crying, of course, is a sign of weakness (at least in my opinion).

I had gone to a Scentsy party hosted by one of the wives from the sub. I didn't really want to go, truth be told, because I have been feeling like I just want to be alone with my "weakness." Turns out the party was exactly what I needed, and I met some wonderfully funny ladies.

One comment, however, stood out more than most. The comment was made after I had said that I have a hard time showing my emotions in front of people. One lady piped up and promised this. "We will break you." I almost gave in right then and there.

After a lifetime of the same habit, I do believe this woman will eventually be right. This life is hard. I am not sure I like who it's turning me into, but time will tell. I am sure I will grow in some ways, and in other ways, I will digress. Life has a funny way of balancing itself out like that, and I feel as if that balance is well on it's way.

I know I am not making much sense, but future blogs will show clarity.

Happy Father's Day, my Chris. I love you.

One Step at a Time
by Joseph Morris

In the morning with the journey all before us on the road,
It takes courage to begin, that is sure;
For the first step is the hardest, and we always think the load
May be greater than we've power to endure.
When the first mile lies behind us we can say, "Now that is done,
And the second and the third will soon be past."
So we trudge on through the noontime, and the setting of the sun
Finds us coming to our stopping-place at last.

When a man would climb a mountain he's appalled to see the length
Of the slope that reaches up into the sky;
But he starts, and with the climbing he will find he's gained the strength
To attain the very top, however high.
For the climbing of a mountain takes but one step at a time--
Who has courage to do that will reach the goal;
He will stand upon Life's summit and will know that joy sublime

Which is his alone who dares to prove his soul.

Mouse Killer Extraordinaire

I think my husband is going to be very happy to know that his wife just added "Mouse Killer Extraordinaire" to her list of totally awesome and wonderfully amazing list of things she does when he is on deployment. LMAO! I am pleased to report that since the brutal murder of one said mouse via my weapon of choice, a broom, there have been no further signs or sightings of any mice inhabiting our lovely home! No pictures will accompany this post, today. :)

On A Good Day

Lyrics to On A Good Day :

Little bit lost and...
A little bit lonely
Little bit cold here
A little bit feared

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day

And it feels like me
On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in
A little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit cold

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me
On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day

True Friends Never Judge You

I received a message from a friend, today, though I have revoked that title from her. She told me that I was stupid for marrying Chris. She mentioned that I had finally found true love with a man who is never going to be here for me, and that I better wake up, because it's obvious my life sucks.

My reply went much as follows: My life does not suck. My life is very hard, yes, but it definitely doesn't suck. There are many blessings I can count in my life.

• One: I have a man by my side who would never allow me to want for anything within his power to give me. 
• Two: True my husband is gone from home a lot, but when he is here, he makes me happier than any man in my life ever has, and they were always home. 
• Three: I have a dream job that I would never have had if I decided to stay in Florida, or go back home during his deployment instead of staying here. 
• Four: My son is living a dream life, one only few have the chance to do, and one many dream of.
• Five: I have a husband I can be proud of. He is out there fighting for my freedom, the freedom of all of America, and the freedom of people's1st amendment right to call me stupid for the choices I made.
• Six: I have a wonderful and supportive extended family with my in-laws. My mother and father-in-law are two very down to earth people, for whom I feel very blessed to know. My sister-in-laws are amazing people, who tell me often how much they appreciate me being here. It feels very good to feel like I belong.
• Seven: I have countless friends and family members who support my decisions, and I am thankful every day that I don't have to hear things like what my "friend" has mentioned. 
• Eight: I have the ability to tell people who want to be negative and cruel to get the hell out of my life. 

I love my life, and though I may complain about things from time to time, I wouldn't be anywhere else, because I am with my soul mate. There is nothing he wouldn't do for me. There is no mountain he wouldn't climb for me. There is no fire he wouldn't walk through for me, and you better believe there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for him.

That's Not OK

(Photo Credit: Lindsay Holt)
Photo posted by: Lariah Nicole
 

You asked him to fight.

I said OK.

You asked me to live alone.

I said OK.

You asked me to cry myself to sleep.

I said OK.

You asked him to get shot at.

I said OK,

and now you ask us to do it for free.

That's not OK.

It's a sad day in our country when our men and women who serve, fight for our freedoms and give their lives every day, have our government turn its back on them by taking away their pay, leaving families struggling to pay bills, put food on the table, then tell them it's all for nothing ... literally. In my opinion, conducting this act at such a crucial time in our nation's fight for freedom from terrorism is nothing short of treason, and everyone involved should be impeached. Abraham Lincoln said it best. "Congressmen who willfully take action during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs, and should be arrested, exiled or hanged."

My husband said to me, "I will be looking for another job, because one of the main things they promise us when we sign our lives away is that our families will always be taken care of." This brings me to tears. Here is a man who is living up to his end of the deal, leaving his family behind to do the job the government asked him to do, and now, the government isn't living up their end of the deal. Promises made, promises broken.

Photo of me by Theresa Benedetto: T Photography

It's difficult enough having my husband gone on deployment, not to mention having to constantly worry whether or not I will be able to be here when he gets home. It's scary knowing we can lose everything we worked so hard for. It's upsetting to know the sacrifices we make as a family are not appreciated. I hope Congress and our President sleep well at night, because I know I sure don't.

 

I have kept the amount of stress and hardship this has caused away from my husband. We Americans need his mind sharp and focused on his task at hand out at sea, and his family needs him coming home SAFE to us. That means tackling these issues alone, not with my partner as issues should be dealt with, has become a daily part my of life. We can't afford to have him worry about home when his job is already stressful enough. He has been told, per my request, that I have things completely under control, and everything is fine. Lie? Not really ... I do have things under control as much as I can have them under control. Are they fine? Well, how fine is fine when someone is taking half or all of your income away without notice? Even with notice, that is devastating. I am lucky enough that I have a job, and my income can support us to some extent during a government shutdown. However, I don't receive BAH (housing allowance) to cover our $1800.00 a month rent required to live in Hawaii where he is ordered to be stationed. I have no idea what I would do, but I will cross that bridge if I come to it. Dealing with the stress of not knowing what will happen day to day is aging me quickly.

My husband and sailors of the USS Cheyenne leaving on deployment. I love you, Baby! I am proud of you all, and the American citizens are not turning their backs on you! We all support you and are here fighting for your rights while you are out fighting for ours ... 

Those of you who know me, know that when I get angry, it's the best time for me to get things done. Through the online protest event, every last one of us are able to easily contact congressmen and women all over the nation with the click of a button. As responses from our leaders come in, I will post them here. If you receive a response from congress, please feel free to post it as well. A letter was also sent that informed me of a pledge, which is posted below, that has been taken by several members of Congress to forgo their pay in the event of a government shutdown. I am involved in as many protests as I can find the time to manage. Writing and making phone calls every day has filled my free time. I told Chris I wasn't sure how much one voice could do, but just look at what Hope Bradley has done by forming ONE online protest group with 1.9 MILLION members and growing! If her voice can make a difference, imagine what all of our voices combined can do!

I am posting this blog to urge every American to get involved. If the government can take the pay from our military, who's to say YOUR PAY isn't next? Please join this event and/or write to Congress! It costs you nothing except FIVE MINUTES of your time to support what a lifetime of freedom our military men and women have given to you. This fight is not over. Until the budget is fixed, our military men and women will have to fight for their right to be paid over, and over, and over again. 

Get involved and help get this act passed to ensure our military is always paid! 

LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD!

Ensuring Pay for Our Military Act of 2011

Event Details

Write Congress

The letter is already written for you.

You can change it as you like, or leave it as is.

Fill in your information and send it. It's that simple.

Write the White House

Who Signed the Pledge
 

(If If your government leaders haven't signed it, write them, and ask, "WHY?")

Direct Contacts To Congress

Senate

Representatives

Congressional Leaders

Bold & Kreative Photography
This photo came with this caption by Britney McGinnis: 

If you don't want to pay my husband, you can send him home.
He has someone special he hasn't met yet.