Never Again

Seven months of being alone: Seven months of having little to no communication with my favorite person in the whole world: Seven months of trials, hardships, sadness, bitterness, anger, frustration, stress, with very little happiness ... are over.

If I had this to do over again, I would definitely have done some things differently. First, I would not have taken a job that requires me to work 110 hours a week, yet only pays me for 40. I am required to drive all over this island at all hours of the night. I am required to go into meetings during my 6 hours of personal time as well. They have little to no consideration for the fact that I need that 6 hours between my shifts to home school my son. When do I sleep? I don't. I average 2 to 3 hours a night for sleep. When do I get things done around the house? On my day off from this job. Is all of this conducive to handling the regular stresses that come with a deployment? HELL NO!

If I had it to do over again, I would have taken a part time job, or a job with a nursing agency that allows me to have a flexible schedule, work when I am up to it, and not require/demand so much from me.

I would have found different support groups. The FRG for this command leaves little to be desired, and the leaders seem to love screaming and yelling at people. Getting yelled at for calling the wrong person (like I know who the hell I am supposed to call) to make a COURTESY call that I would not be attending a planned event due to some serious personal issues, REALLY detours a person from ever wanting to attend any other planned outings in the event one might have to cancel. Seriously. Meetings that were supposed to be held for support while our husbands are on gone, turned into meetings of lecture and being yelled at by the captain's wife. Issues would come up in relation to port dates being leaked (dates when our guys would be pulling into a port somewhere), which is very, very dangerous. However, screaming at a group of women who are there for support is counterproductive. OPSEC is a very serious thing. Teaching people about it is important. I don't know about you, but when someone screams at me, I am not hearing a damn thing they say. The offender/s should have been pulled aside and dealt with, and the issue should have been brought to light in a reasonable manor to the rest of us who WERE doing the right thing. Gossip and clicks are not my thing, and once I found that I was being pulled in that direction, I opted to not be a part of it. Upon calling out the persons responsible for doing the exact opposite of a what an FRG is meant to be, supportive to EVERYONE during this deployment, I became shunned. Point being, I would have looked into more support groups, because I was basically completely alone during this entire deployment as a result of me choosing not to be a part of the FRG, put into situations that made me feel worse than I already did, and having no idea where to turn after that.

Luckily, I had a little love from a few of the wives from this command, however, my work schedule didn't allow me the time to be able to spend with other women who were going through the same things I was. Just want to say thanks to Liz, Dorathy, Rose, Holly, and Becky. You have all touched my life, and my heart, in many ways. Thank you.

I also would have traveled home to see my family and friends. I would have taken a seasonal job, or worked with agency back home, for something to do while they worked.

I would have also flown into every port to spend time with my husband. It gets hectic with all of the traveling plans that need to be made, fall through, rescheduled, updated, etc., but seeing him come off that boat in Guam, bags in hand, coming to stay with me at a hotel we had made reservations for ... was completely worth it.

There is a lot I would have done differently, but suffice it to say, I am fine never, ever doing this again. This statement now brings us full circle to the whole reason I began this blog which started with the phrase, "Never say never ..."

Thankful

Even as the weeks of this deployment draw closer to the end, I am still finding myself being thankful every day for my Daddy raising me to be a proud, independent and extremely strong woman. If I were any weaker of a woman, I know for a fact I would not have been able to make it through this. I should have bought stock in Kleenex.

The other contributing factor is the love, support and understanding of my husband. He has definitely had to nurture us through a few situations, but he did an amazing job. I can hardly wait to have him back in my arms.

Last, but not least ... you ... my friends. There isn't a day go by where I have forgotten those of you who lent an ear, a shoulder, a virtual hug, and took time out of your day to let me share with you the bad days along with the good during this journey.  I appreciate you, and I am glad I could be there for you in return.

The final stretch is here, and I am still holding on.

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
When I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
i can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

Almost There

It's almost over. For some reason, that is supposed to give some sort of lift in spirits, but I feel so numb, I honestly can't feel anything other than complete exhaustion.

It seems easier to give up on life than to keep fighting it, but thank God for my strength and determination to rise and conquer. I question so much about so many things, but the answers never come, nor will they ever.

Time has stolen so much from me; so much that I can never get back. I am bitter, and angry, and feel robbed. I feel like my happiness has been ripped away from me. The only comfort I have is knowing that it is temporary. However, there is always darkness looming over me knowing that he will leave again ... and again ... and again.

True love is powerful. If he gave me the choice, a choice to stay in this life or get out of it, I would say get out. I hate it. Who could possibly LOVE this?? However, if he gave me the choice to get out or stay and love him, I would stay and love him.

For my love, my life, my breath, my heartbeat, my everything ...


The bed is not made, and I don't care. 

It's not the same without you there.
Dishes need done
But that's no fun
Neither is not having you here.

I sigh a  lot as I miss your touch
I wonder if you know I love you this much
Mouth is dry
Tears I cry
The life of a wife of a sailor is such.

My heart beats fast when I think of you
Proud of how easy it is to stay true
Please, kiss my lips
Hold my hips
Hating these feelings that keep me blue

My devotion is strong for you my love
My angel, my light, my gift from above
Hold on tight
Don't lose sight
Of all the things we have ever dreamed of.

Here waiting for you ...

 September 11th, 2001 ... terrorists took the lives of thousands. R.I.P. our heroes. While remembering our heroes, today, remember something else. The terrorists took the lives of many, but they didn't take our resolve, our will to fight, or our resilience. We fight until we win. We sacrifice our husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons ... our families, because our freedom is worth fighting for. Americans will never forget. Neither should those who think they can take away our freedom.

I Didn't Ask For Your Advice

So, Shaun and I are cleaning out the flower/plant beds in front of the house, and the neighbor from across the yard comes out and just starts yacking up a storm with us. She asked if I was a single parent, because she never sees any men coming or going from my house. I suppose that's a good report to give my husband!

I told her that I am married, and my husband is currently on deployment. She then gives me this sad face and proceeded to tell me all about her divorce she recently had with her military husband of 25 years. After he retired, he left her for another woman. She said the sooner I get out of this life the better.

You know? I am sick of hearing about every body else. I am not going to leave the man I love over statistics, stories, or anything else. If we end up divorced, so be it, but I damn sure will not live my life with him NOW full of worries.

Keep your negative advice to yourself, people. Seriously. I own guns and have a very bad temper.

This is a song my husband sent me to listen to. Pretty much brought tears to my eyes. I really miss him. Not talking to him, hearing his voice, just knowing that is safe and OK is so very, very hard. I call your name, too, My Love. I miss you so much.

Lyrics - About Midnight

At about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name
I need you beside me
Through these seasons of change

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today

Seasons come and they go
Seasons come and they go like the night
Because you are with me
Things will turn out alright

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Yes I know that you're with me now

I don't understand this path I'm on
Like I'm looking down at the sun
All turned around again
All turned around again

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today

So at about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name

Spent

So, I am breaking down and having someone come and give me an estimate on cleaning. I honestly can't keep up with everything. 100 hours (sometimes more) a week at my job, 20 hours a week for school, 20 hours a week on all the stuff that needs done around the house, raising my son, dealing with the stress of never hearing from my husband, the worries of him being on deployment, being alone, and all of that just leaving me with 3 to 4 hours a day for sleep. As much as I WANT to be Super Wife/Mom/Friend/Employee/Teacher ... I have to know when I have reached my limit. It is right .... NOW.