Suicide is Not an Option

Every time I go in for an appointment, they ask me if I am having suicidal thoughts. Apparently, this is a crucial time where patients tend to get depressed, because they aren't "fixed" yet. Things are getting harder, with a lot more appointments, and a lot of work that really exhausts a person. Nonetheless, I wish they would stop asking me.

I have lost friends to suicide for whom I haven't forgiven, and doubt I ever will. I am bitter and angry at their selfishness, and you don't even want to know the things I have "spoken" to them as a result.

I have struggled my whole life, have gone through a whole lot, and have had experiences where I actually had to fight, and FIGHT HARD to be allowed to have another chance in this life. It's not been easy, but I worked my butt off to always find the good in it.

Unlike my friends who killed themselves, I think about the people that I would leave behind who would struggle with questions, putting their lives back together, sadness, and maybe even guilt, and they would carry these things with them for the rest of their lives.  Why would I want to put my loved ones and friends through that???

Not only that, many of my friends and family have served this country and fought, defended, and DIED for our right to LIVE. People have made the ultimate sacrifice for me, and you. My husband puts his life on the line every time he goes out to sea, and apparently, with fires purposely set by shipyard workers, while docked as well. He puts his life on the line so that I am free to live. What better gift is there than that?

Life is my choice, no matter how hard I have to fight to make sure I have it.

I Defend My Husband & Lose a Friend

A little vent: I lost a good friend (or so I thought), because I refuse to back Obama. This is sad to me, because she lived her whole life straight as a board, then decided one day that she was gay. Not thinking I would support her through this change, she didn't let me know. When I was finally able to get a hold of her, I knew in her voice something was wrong. She told me, quite shyly, that she was gay and in love with a woman. My comment, "No, Dina, you can't stare at my boobies the next time we get together!" She laughed, and thanked me for loving her no matter what. 
No matter what ... 

So, when Osama, pardon me, Obama, personally attacked me and my family when he decided not to pay my husband (and our entire military force) while Chris was on deployment (defending Obama's ass and this country) over PLANNED PARENTHOOD, you bet I took that personally. He left us wondering how the hell we were going to pay our bills, keep our home, keep our ONE car, and feed our son at a crucial time where we should NOT have had to be worried about anything but getting a job done and getting home alive. The one thing, the ONE thing that is promised to our military is that they do not have to worry about their families back home. That is the ONLY promise they get, and Obama spit on it. He spit on that promise, he spit on our entire military force, he spit on my husband, and he spit on me. I attended protests, contacted all of my representatives from local officials to the White House, and I did it on the daily. I attended rallies and online events. I created an entire blog and emailed it to my representatives and Obama, himself. So, as you can see, I took it very personal, and I still do! This is only ONE reason why I refuse to support Obama. My list is growing beyond my own belief, and the amount of typing it would take to discuss all of the issues is for another blog, or several more.

Back to my ex-friend, she has gotten very good at dumping our friendship over the years, anyway, and I suppose I should have expected nothing less. She dumped me in junior high for a more popular crowd, but once she realized how fake their friendships were, she came back. Once in high school for not stopping a friend of mine from going on a date with her EX boyfriend ... ya ... that one took two years to realize she was being ridiculous. I suppose I hoped as an adult, our friendship wouldn't be so dispensable. 

I didn't just survive a terrible car crash to sit back and be quiet. I survived, because I am a fighter, because I have a voice, and because God allowed me to be here to use it. 
Our military men and women deserve to have people fight for and defend them.
After all ... do they not fight for and defend us???

I am fighting HARD to make sure Obama does not have another chance to spit on my family again. I am fighting hard for all of the other military men and women and their families. I am fighting hard for our country, and I am fighting hard for all of you. That is why I am so passionate about this, and if I lost a friend, because  political sides are more important than our friendship, so be it. When you fight for what you believe in, you WILL make enemies. This isn't about how many people like me. This is about our future in America. It's about our military men, women and families who all pay the ultimate sacrifices NOT to be spit on. It's about my family and my friends that decide to stick by my side, and even the ones who don't. No matter what ...

For more insight on the government shutdown that occurred, read my blog:
That's Not OK 

Well, well, well. Little blog, I have neglected you. It's been six months since my last confession. :)

Since then, life has had a pretty big change for us. Chris and I were in a head on collision with a big truck that crossed the yellow line into our little car. We lived to tell about it, but not without many complications and struggles.

Chris received a broken nose, a sprained foot, a left side head injury, and several bumps, bruises and cuts. The list of things that have occurred with me is too long to go through, again. We will just suffice to say that I have 9 different doctors I see at many given points during the month. We lived to tell about it, though, and keeping a positive outlook toward recovery is all we can do at this point.

Chris has been my rock, and I can definitely say, "THANK GOD FOR SHORE DUTY!" I don't know what I would have done without him, and it also puts a worry in the back of my mind about what would happen if something like this went down while he was out to sea. It's not a thought I like to ponder, but I suppose it is one that is necessary to discuss in the event that tragedy could happen.

I am also thankful for all of my friends and family! Their prayers and uplifting attitudes really helped me to stay focused on recovery. I honestly am just completely blessed with such wonderful people in my life. God has given me the best of people to help me get through the worst of times.

The toughest part has been being away from my family. We are all so very close, and pulling together when times get tough is what we are all about. I really missed them and still do.

My son, Shaun, is a trooper. He would help me while Chris was at work. I was completely bedridden for a while, and what a kid to step up to the plate and help his mom so much. I am proud of him!

I looked back at a couple of my blogs about life, and one of the ones that sticks out in my mind is the one about removing negative people from life. As hard as it was to do it back then, I am completely grateful for the insight to have gotten it done. I definitely wouldn't have fared well having negativity in my life during this time.

Everything in life happens for a reason - good and bad. Embrace life. HUG IT. It's all yours to live, and the right attitude helps decide exactly HOW you are going to live it.

There is no need to be strong all the time, and even less of a need to maintain an image of strength in front of others. 

We have been taught to be strong, be tough, stand tall, etc. That is all well and good, but don't be too hard on yourself when you can't do it all of the time.

My friends and family look to me as a pillar of strength, and I would say that is pretty much true. However, with embarking on this new life, I have learned that it is perfectly OK to cry in front of others. As a matter of fact, I have found that a hug is a wonderful way to take away some of the pain of saying, "Good-bye" to my husband when he goes back out to sea.

Sharing your feelings with others who are going through the same thing is very comforting, rewarding, and helpful. Don't be afraid to give it a try. I know I am probably one of the most stubborn people alive to always want to keep my emotions in check around others, but I have found that once in a while, I am thankful to let it out.

The Long Awaited Shore Duty

It is official! We are finally on shore duty. :) We did find out that Chris had to have a forced extension of another 10 months of sea duty if he wanted to continue to keep submarine pay. What does that mean? Well, instead of the 6 months that he would have left to stay in the Navy after shore duty, he now has a year and four months. They sure know how to sucker punch. KA POW!

We have decided to stay focused on the positive things, and will cross the bridge of the forced extension once we get to it. Focusing on the good things: Shore duty means he will be home and not have to float out to sea for 3 years, unless a major issue ensues. We did receive orders to stay in Hawaii, so we do not have the stress of a major move and relocation in the near future. He will be working with some great men, some of which he worked with on the Cheyenne. This is a good thing, because they already know his solid work ethic, drive, and determination. He will not have to make a new name for himself, as that is already established.

A great big hug to all of our friends on the USS Cheyenne for some really great memories! The support and guidance from some of the ladies, here, are well beyond outstanding. Sometimes, I wonder how I would have gotten through without you. Chris talks very highly of some of the men from the boat, and it's easy to see why when their wives are equally amazing. 

We are celebrating a huge milestone, and with it comes the many opportunities that will come with embarking on the beginnings of yet another road traveled.

I am so proud of my husband for all he does for our family, for me and for you, but mostly ... for the whole world. It's a huge responsibility, and I feel it is a great honor to be by his side.

Shore duty ... HERE WE COME!

Creating the Perfect Scenario

I tend to create these perfect scenarios of what life should be like, and when life decides to wear the pants in the family, I then find myself scratching my head in disappointment.

Life doesn’t always work out in the way we imagine would be ideal. We can either resist it, feeling crushed when we don’t get exactly what we wanted, or accept reality at every step of the way, and adapt to make the best of what we get. 

I have decided that one of the things that I shall attempt to work on this year is to stop spending time on creating this perfect world in my mind, and start focusing on reality.

I want to learn to adapt to the new challenges that come into our lives instead of constantly resisting what is out of my control.

Thus begins a new journey into changing some life-long habits. Can it be done? Well, I never make a promise that I can't keep, so I shall promise to try.