Break Your Heart

"Break Your Heart"

People downcast, is despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder every day

People struggle, people fight
For the simple pleasures in their lives
But trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow, self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless, people cruel
See the damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride
It's enough to make you loose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life
You never will let love survive

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life

Don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think that
Everybody's gonna choose your side

I have been pretty down, lately, and I have noticed when I am like this, that I just stop giving a damn about a whole lot of things. Little things annoy me, or even make me very angry. The world is a cesspool of idiots, and I am the only one who matters. Actions I take, and words I speak to others, only make things worse.

Well, this song kind of helps remind me not to lose my pride, not to be part of the discontent ... not to lose myself. "I know it will hurt, but don't make the same mistakes with your own life, or you will never let love survive."

Serenity, Courage and Wisdom

Serenity, courage, and wisdom ...

Change the things you can.

I have been struggling with a lot in my life, from deployment to an array of personal plights. Among those personal plights, and something I have blogged about previously, are negative people in my life. 

I recently battled with making a well thought out decision to rid the people in my life who were causing me sadness, stress, anxiety, or worry. A friend had said this to me which convinced me to move forward with my thoughts. 

"While those people are probably sleeping nice and snug in their beds, you are up all night struggling over them, their words, and their actions. Is it worth it?" 

She is right. The answer is, "No. No it's not." 

I can go into story about the people that have negatively affected me, from leaders of organizations that are in place to help women be supportive of each other through deployment, not tear them down, all the way to someone I had to finally let go of after a lifetime of hurt from him. There really is no point in going into detail over the reasons behind the cleansing of my soul. The only purpose it would serve is to give examples, but you know if you have negative people in your life. My examples aren't needed for you to figure that out.

I have realized that, if I am strong enough to survive deployment on my own, I am strong enough to kick the people out of my life who are making the challenges I face day to day more difficult. 

Suffice it to say this. I am not a child. I am definitely not your child. Do not speak to me like I am a child. Do not tell me how to live my life. Not only am I a woman who demands respect, I am military spouse, who deserves respect. Treat me with the dignity I deserve. My sacrifices run as deep as my husband's. If you can't do all of these things with love in your heart for myself and my family, you are welcome to leave my life forever. 

Since making my decision, and acting on it, I must say, I feel so much lighter, so much more relaxed. I am sad at losing resources I really could use during this time. I am also grieving for the loss of those that I never thought I would lose. I am still struggling with the pain of having to let go, but I no longer have to hear their sharp words, their condescending tone, and their unwanted advice. Even more so, I am no longer losing pieces of me because of them.

May you find the strength and courage to do the same.

My World Alone

I sit alone at our kitchen table and eat my dinner. Often times, it's a frozen meal or take out, because cooking for one is not only hard, but tears at my heart strings every time. I have flashbacks of us making dinner together, and then I wake up to the reality of being alone.

I open the medicine cabinet, and there are your things: your toothbrush, your razor, your personal items. They are just how you left them, so when you come home, there will be nothing you have to adjust to or try to find. I stare at them for a little while, knowing they are some of the last things you touched the day you left. Something so simple as a toothbrush has so much meaning to me.

I look at pictures of you, so I don't forget what you look like. I smile at the ones you smile back at me in. I am proud of the ones of you in your uniform. I sigh, and wish the photos would come to life, so you can hold me in your arms once again. 

I get into our car and look for your hand to hold, but instead, there is an empty seat where you should be sitting. I don't turn on the radio, because there is nobody there to playfully fight over which radio station we will listen to. I pump the gas, but I always envision you doing it, because that's one of the things you always took care of for me. 

I do the laundry, but nothing of yours has been in it for months. Sometimes, I put a pair of your socks in there, just so I can feel normal. 

I go to bed alone. This is one of the hardest things, because we held each other every single night until we fell asleep, or our ARMS did. I have one of your t-shirts I use as a pillow case on one of our pillows. At night, I snuggle with it pretending it is you. 

I spray your cologne on my teddy-bear and allow him to catch my tears as I cry for you every night. We both say a prayer to bring you home safe. He wears your dog-tags on his paw, the one that is embroidered with the words you chose when you gave him to me, "I love you Jenfire."

I go everywhere by myself, and I miss you reaching behind waiting for me to grab your hand so we can walk hand in hand, side by side. 

I often catch myself ordering two scoops of ice-cream, thinking that you and I will share, then remembering you aren't here. The other half always melts. 

There is nobody here to comfort me in my times of stress or feeling overwhelmed. I close my eyes and feel your arms around me, telling me everything is going to be OK. Sometimes it works. Most times, it just hurts more, because the reality is, you are so very far away. 

I don't hear your voice for months and months on end, and when I do, I am so overwhelmed, I can't even speak ... just cry. That gives you comfort and pain at the same time, because you love how much I love you, but you don't like to hear me cry.

It's too quiet, here, in this lonely world. The days don't move fast enough. Time stands almost still. 

I hear wives complaining about their husbands, and I want to tell them to be thankful their husbands aren't where my husband is. Sometimes, I do.

I am proud of you, all that you do, and all that you stand for. Come home soon, and come home safe. 

Your Always Loving Wife, 

Jenny